For the love of life and everything ridiculous.

#20

2009-09-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

Hi guys!

It's been quite a long time since I last posted. The new school year has already started and I'm actually looking forward to it. This summer has been full of letting go of the things that constantly let hold me back from my dreams. I've forgiven myself for the choices and decisions I've made in the past as well as let go of and forgiven things that happened to me which I had no control over, but nevertheless had a lasting (and until now) negative effect on me.

With that being said, I have to recommend a book to anyone who either knows a girl, or is a girl. It's called Loose Girl: A memoir of promiscuity by Kerry Cohen. It gives a very unapologetic account of a woman's decent into promiscuity and her rise to loving herself. It's such a very brave book and I cannot believe that this is the first time something like this has been in the public eye. I think every girl I know struggles with many an insecurity about her body and what not, but it goes deeper than that. It's really a story about a girl who decides male attention will fix that. I will not go into detail, but I urge you to read it. It's a very quick read. With my busy schedule, I finished it in about two days.

I hope things are going well for everyone else.

#16

2009-06-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

Now for something new.

I cut my hair! I'm very excited about this. I went to Mia and Maxx on Wednesday. My stylist cut my ponytail (over 4 inches, most of it very damaged) and then proceeded with "his vision". It was quite a liberating experience and I am so excited that I did it.

I must be honest for the reasoning behind the haircut. Even though I've always wanted a short cut, I never went through with it because I always felt like I'd never be pretty with short hair. My grandmother, family, and random people I've encountered have always said, "Don't cut your long hair! It's so rare for black girls to have long hair!" or "It's just what makes you YOU." or "You're so pretty with long hair. Why would you want to mess that up?"

Good grief. It's just HAIR. It grows back, I promise. I know that when I started this blog, I wrote about becoming a better me. Well, this is just one more step to becoming the woman I've always been destined to be. It's amazing what thinking for yourself can do for you. I think I'm only now discovering what a paralyzed life I've been attempting to live for my entire existence. I've always been so concerned with what others thought and what others thought I should do. To be honest, I think it's really selfish of myself to ask other people to live my life for me. If I go along with the choices that others make for me, I don't have to deal with the consequences, right? WRONG. That's so very wrong. My life is for living for myself.

So, what else is in the future?

1. Be a better vegetarian. I've made it to the 6 month mark! Now, I need to make more of an effort to buy fresh veggies and grains on a regular basis.

2. Natural hair! I've gone unprocessed for 3 months! The big chop will be soon...I'm thinking Sept?

3. Spend more time reflecting.

4. Continue to find joy in every day. It's there, but sometimes it's buried.

5. Become more active: physically, mentally, and spiritually.

#15

2009-06-10T22:36:00.001-07:00

Love is active. It’s not just a feeling. We’re not moved by feelings people have for us. We’re moved by actions. The right actions. Actions that correspond to the rhythm of our hearts. That’s why we enter relationships even though we’ve been dumped on a thousand times. Because we know someone out there knows our rhythm. They make the beat, we dance, vice versa. It’s a beautiful harmony that only one other person really understands.

I'm a hopeless romantic, but that's ok. I whole-heartedly believe in true love. I believe in that movie-made love because it does happen. I see it in my friends marraiges. I see it in the relationships where love is more than a feeling. Love is a strong beat that only those two people can pick up on and know the dance to.

#14

2009-05-16T20:13:00.000-07:00

"Just because you're imperfect does not mean you are inadequate."

I know I'm not perfect. However, sometimes I mistake my imperfections for inadequacy and what a shame. My imperfections make me unique and and interesting. They constantly remind me that there is always room for change and I have so much room to grow. I may not be right for this or that, but there are things that I was created to do, to complete.

I'm glad I was created imperfect. I don't know what would happen if the joy in the journey to completion was taken away from me.

#13

2009-04-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life seems like it's falling to pieces all around you.

Sometimes you feel as if you can't breathe.

Sometimes you feel like it just couldn't get any worse than this.

But then, then you see God's love in the face of another person, in a fantastic smile, or you feel it in the warm embrace of a caring friend. Sometimes you might hear His voice in the hearty laugh of another, or the kind words of a friend.

And then, you suddenly have the energy to pick up the pieces, the room to breathe, and the courage to walk on.

And that is all you need to know you can great through it and live life, not let life live you.

#12

2009-03-29T23:35:00.000-07:00

"I want magic. Yes, that's what I want. That's what I try to give to people. I do misrepresent things. I don't tell the truth. I tell what ought to be the truth. "

Lying. Goodness, I think we're all so very guilty of doing this. Not only do we lie to other people, but we lie to ourselves, and for what reason? To keep ourselves from facing what is reality. I do it. I don't know why it's so hard to give ourselves what is truthful. Everyone deserves truth. But why is it so frightening? What would happen if I accepted life for what it was? If I truly accepted people as they are? See, I think that I do this, but instead of seeing and accepting people as they are, I look at what they could be, and I love that aspect. It's as if what's real isn't good enough or, worse yet, that I can't handle it.

It's amazing to think of all the times I could, or should have said what I meant and I didn't because I didn't know what was going to happen. As a result, I think I've regretted every moment I should have said something to someone.

I want a day where I say exactly what I mean and mean what I say. I owe it to myself and to the rest of the world. My friends, you are too good to me, and I owe you the truth.

#11

2009-03-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to learn so much about yourself and the world in two short days? I'm beginning to think that almost anything is possible now.

You know how I mentioned that my motto for the New Year was "New year, new me"? Well, I'm come to a recent conclusion about myself.

I've lived most of my life up until this point at the expense of others. I've been so afraid to do my own thing when I'm constantly telling my friends to "be themselves" or "follow thier instincts". I was actually a little angry at myself when I finally realised this, but I know that being angry does not change the situation and part of the act of change is being proactive. I've been so afraid of making mistakes that I've rarely made any decisions or choices of merit. This is not to say that I've existed as a mindless pod of a person, but the essential choices of my life have been influenced by the ideas and thoughts of others to the point of ridiculousness and almost a level of regret in some instances. So, I'm holding myself accountable from now on. It's my life and it's high time that I live it, right? It's honestly just not fair to ask others to live my life for me. Every one's got their own issues. The addition of mine doesn't make life easier for anyone.

#10

2009-02-15T14:43:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, I think.

Happy belated Valentine's Day! (Geez, it really has been a long while! It's almost mid-March. I'd like to say I've been busy, but I really just haven't taken the time to right anything.

I wanted to a post my awesome Valentine's Day! Now, before you get too excited, I need to clear something up. No, I didn't have a date. I think I'm probably about as far from the dating scene as I've been in a while and I attend a co-ed school now. However, what makes this V-day particularly special was the fact that it wasn't really that special at all. I know, that statement doesn't make any sense. How can something be great when nothing is special about it?

I've been single for every Valentine's Day and every single Valentine's Day until this year has sucked. I always got caught up in, "Boo, me...I'm single! It's Singles' Awareness Day!" I know...That sounds pretty bitter, doesn't it? I was so involved in what I thought this day to be about as opposed to celebrating what it is...It's all about taking a moment to think about love. Celebrating love! All the love in your life!

Love is never negative. So, why think negatively about it? I think there's so much negativity in this world that I ask why should I contribute to the poison ritual? Instead, I have decided there's more to life than a box of chocolates and roses from that special someone. Life is about those incredible connections you have with people, what you learn from them, and growth. It's about getting to a place where you can contribute something meaningful to the world. It's about giving back.

So, to wrap up this silly, hippie post, I'd like to ask you to celebrate love every single day. Life is so much easier when you have something to look forward to.

#9

2009-01-18T12:40:00.000-08:00

New Year, new YOU.

I love this slogan. I've started off the past few years saying that and I can say I haven't accomplished all of my resolutions like I've wanted to. However, this year is different. Instead of making a long list of things to try and accomplish in one year, I am now striving for this: To become the woman I was always destined to be. This I feel encompasses everything that I view as important. The better person I am, the more I feel I can help others. What steps have I taken to accomplish this?

I started with my living space. My lovely friend, Sharon Harms, helped me organise and decorate my room. I have discovered that if the living space your in does not reflect the life you want to have (organised, positive, calm, energetic, etc.) then it makes it difficult to motivate yourself. I have found that this change has made me a little less stressed about things and a lot more proactive about doing work in general.

I also changed my diet. I have decided to become vegetarian. I've always been interested in doing this, but I made excuses for myself like, "I love meat. I can't give it up" or "That's going to be expensive" and "I will never get what I need nutrition wise". I can give it up. It's better for me to buy good food that might be a little more expensive, but it will keep me healthier in the long run. If I take vitamins and eat the right kinds of foods, I'll be fine. What this is forcing me to do is make myself accountable for what I eat. I can't eat crap anymore and be OK with it.

These are just a few things that I've decided was imperative for me now that I have decided to grow up. It's a journey that I'm embarking on...now.

#8

2009-01-05T18:21:00.001-08:00

A letter to my sisters:

You're worth it. You're beautiful. You deserve the best. If there's anything I could ask of you it would be this: Learn to love yourself. This is the only way you could ever appreciate yourself and begin to love another. If you cannot love every part of you, it's not possible to love all of another human being. You can only love the idealised part of them that you've raised to a pedestal. You only see what you want to see so it's easier to enter abusive relationships and harder to say no when you need to. Please stop the cycle and take control.

Love.

#7

2008-12-24T13:31:00.001-08:00

Happy Holidays, my friends! I hope it's been stellar so far.

At the beginning of this holiday break I wasn't sure if I'd make it home or not, but things worked out an here I am in the living room of my grandmother's house.

I just have to spend the time talking about how wonderful close friends are. I have a small group of friends at home that I've had the pleasure of knowing since high school. And let me tell you, I love that we can be scattered to the ends of the earth and not have kept in touch for months, but when we come together, it's like we've never really left each other. It may sound corny, but true friends are the people that you feel you can be yourself around. There's no reason to have your guard up and they accept and love you---and take the good and the bad. They have no problems congratulating you on your latest achievement and letting you know (with tact) when you've screwed up. Only a phone call away, they are there to answer your call at 3 AM and listen to you cry about your latest break up or upset in life, and they are willing to drive eight hours to see you perform because they believe in what you do. I'm quite thankful for my friends and I can only hope that everyone in this world is blessed with at least one. I'm so lucky to have as many as I do.
So, I have a special request for all of you that indulge me by reading my ridiculous posts from time to time. Make an effort to tell those around you how much you appreciate them this holiday. I think that's what makes times like these so special. (End of corny-ness doused in cheese.)

#6

2008-12-16T22:54:00.001-08:00

Oh, postsecret.com, I love you so much. I wonder what the world would be like if everyone said exactly what they wanted for one day. How would you react if someone told you that he or she was in love with you? Or that they hated you? That you had bad breath? I do wonder what people think about me and as we all tell ourselves that it doesn't matter, the truth is it does. It really does affect us when people say positive or negative things about us. And I feel it affects us more to think about how others might feel.

I'm just saying...Things might make more sense in the end if we were all honest with each other. Does that require bravery or a lack of tact?

#5

2008-12-01T08:49:00.000-08:00

My intent with this blog was not to be so serious at all...Where's that joker smile of mine? I'm glad that's out of my system.

It's snowing! It's absolutely beautiful. The biggest negative, however, will be the fact that with snow comes cold weather and I do NOT like being cold in any way.

I don't know if any of you like German films at all, but I'm thinking about watching "Das Leben der Anderen" (The Lives of Others). It's an incredible film about life for a writer in East Berlin before the wall came down. It's such a thriller. If you haven't seen it, you must. You're just missing out. Can't tell you too much about the plot for fear I might spoil it.

I'm also incredibly excited about the new movie "Boy in Striped Pajamas". It's about the friendship that blooms between two boys: one in a concentration camp; the other a son of a member of the Nazi Party.

I just saw the "Secret Life of Bees". This movie has only solidified my love of Queen Latifah and her multi-faceted career in film. She's not quite a Johnny Depp (I doubt anyone could be) but I love that she is able to play such varying characters.

I think it's time for movie watching.

#4

2008-11-30T10:19:00.003-08:00

I love postsecret.com. It's nice to know that there are other people in this world that feel the same. I saw this a while back and saved it.

I'm part of the minority. I'm black. And I love my culture; I love who I am. But I won't lie...Sometimes I wonder if things like affirmative action are a help anymore. Don't get me wrong. I get why things like affirmative action were put in place. It was there to give minorities a chance at a time when things were less than equal. And in a world where most of the people around you, including your own family live below poverty level and are struggling, things like affirmative action were there to give you hope to make something better.

But 30 years later do we still need it?

Where I grew up most blacks associated intelligence with white people. They called my aspiration to be ahead in my school work, my love for classical music, and my accent an attempt to fit in with the white man and leave my culture behind. I was frequently called the "white girl trapped in a black girl's body", "oreo" or "too good to be black" because I had goals that were beyond the small town ghetto mentality.

Education in my small town was poor at best. Because of poor funding, I'm positive that my educational experience was below par compared to others in richer cities. So, how do we weed ourselves off the teet of affirmative action and government aid? Education has got to have more funding and it must be equal. We must be willing to change the mentality of those that think education is not important. Since when was educating yourself ever a white thing and why must intelligence be associated only with the white culture? Ideals such as these are not exactly a result of "The man keeping us down" but rather that we'd be most content to live just as we are. Change, my friends, will not happen unless you are a part of it actively and positively.

I want to live in a society where things like affirmative action and welfare will be a thing of the past. But I can't be among the few that want something different. I want to know that the high paying job, the acceptance into a competive program, or scholarship money I ever recieve was because I truly deserved it, and not because I fill the needed quota tfor your business or institution to recieve goverment funding.

Anyway, here are some other great post secrets of the past:

#3

2008-11-28T22:27:00.001-08:00

I had a chance to think about this saying today: "Love comes around when you least expect it."

We've all heard some version of that line, and I think it's a poor attempt at trying to make someone feel less lonely. I mean, that's why people look for love, right? Because they're lonely. But what are they really looking for? Love happens every second all around us. It's not hard to identify, so why is it bad to seek it out? Is it some sprite or fairy that only comes out when we're not looking to whisper things in our ears? Is love such a timid thing that we have to hide our faces from it? I don't think so. I feel love is a thing that would wish to be sought after. How can we all go around not looking for love and expect it to find us? How do we find anything if we do not look for it? It's not in the act of looking but rather where we are looking. You will have a hard time finding anything in the dark, and that's essentially what we do in dating. We don't exactly educate ourselves on who we are, what we like or dislike, our strengths and shortcomings...etc. We instead hope that we can float around and someone or something will point it out to us, but not in such an intrusive way that makes us actually deal with it and change it. We would all like to remain ignorant about that which is not good and fantastic about who we are and instead take great pleasure in having our egos boosted about the wonderful persons we've projected ourselves to seem like.

I do not put myself on a pedestal. I have certainly played the part. I guess it's intriguing for me to find all the ways in which I have blinded myself. In doing this, I have short changed the woman I've always seen as myself and the woman I've always tried to project. Getting to actually know yourself is frightening. I now understand why no one wants to do it. Why would you ever want to know just how much of a disappointment you could become?

So, am I looking for love? Yes, I most definitely am. I'm going to stare it down. But, I'm starting with me because how could I see love or anything when I've learned to blindside myself to everything I deem unimportant, disappointing, or undesirable in myself? How could I ever ask someone to love me when I don't even put up with all of who I am. When you only love the piece of yourself you project to the world, how does the universe get the clue to love all of you and not just the bullshit you decided was good enough? What gives me the right to tell the world what parts of me to love? How can I expect the world to accept me as I am when I clearly do not? When you love, you do not love a piece, but a whole. It's all inclusive. Even now as I'm writing this I'm judging myself. How could I be such a pretentious ass and write this down like an epiphany for everyone to see? So everyone could say, "Wow, she's got her shit together."

I don't.

I've begun to learn in moving to this new place just how much of a mess I actually am.

#2

2008-11-27T11:08:00.000-08:00

First off, I'd like to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to all those that celebrate it. Good luck with over-eating to one and all.

I saw this quote the other day and it made me think.

"Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds." -Hugh Elliot

It's so blunt and to the point. I don't know about anyone else, but I've found myself getting involved with people so that I could "fix them". However, I was actually attempting to fix myself. Instead of dealing with the emotional baggage that I possess, I decided it better to love someone and have them bandage my brokenness. And inevitably when things sour, I immediately say, "Well, they are a douche bag." or , "They are such jerks. They never loved me." but I was really angry with myself. I was angry that this person was not the solution to the problem. They were not the answer or the balm I was looking for. So, it was not fair for me to enter those relationships under false pretenses. How were they supposed to know how I hurt or how to fix me? How could anyone love those that lie to them? I am not saying I intentionally lied to anyone. Saying that I lied might imply that I meant to harm someone. Although it was not ever my intention to hurt, I must admit that I did in some way. Those that I dated never really received the love that I promised them. I can only hope that the damage was not monumental. Maybe I'm over thinking all of this. But, what else do we have in this life other than our thoughts?

#1

2008-11-25T11:01:00.000-08:00

After reading Michelle's blog I was inspired to create one myself. So with that being said, there's more to come. (That's what she said.)