#20

Hi guys!

It's been quite a long time since I last posted. The new school year has already started and I'm actually looking forward to it. This summer has been full of letting go of the things that constantly let hold me back from my dreams. I've forgiven myself for the choices and decisions I've made in the past as well as let go of and forgiven things that happened to me which I had no control over, but nevertheless had a lasting (and until now) negative effect on me.

With that being said, I have to recommend a book to anyone who either knows a girl, or is a girl. It's called Loose Girl: A memoir of promiscuity by Kerry Cohen. It gives a very unapologetic account of a woman's decent into promiscuity and her rise to loving herself. It's such a very brave book and I cannot believe that this is the first time something like this has been in the public eye. I think every girl I know struggles with many an insecurity about her body and what not, but it goes deeper than that. It's really a story about a girl who decides male attention will fix that. I will not go into detail, but I urge you to read it. It's a very quick read. With my busy schedule, I finished it in about two days.

I hope things are going well for everyone else.

#16

Now for something new.

I cut my hair! I'm very excited about this. I went to Mia and Maxx on Wednesday. My stylist cut my ponytail (over 4 inches, most of it very damaged) and then proceeded with "his vision". It was quite a liberating experience and I am so excited that I did it.

I must be honest for the reasoning behind the haircut. Even though I've always wanted a short cut, I never went through with it because I always felt like I'd never be pretty with short hair. My grandmother, family, and random people I've encountered have always said, "Don't cut your long hair! It's so rare for black girls to have long hair!" or "It's just what makes you YOU." or "You're so pretty with long hair. Why would you want to mess that up?"

Good grief. It's just HAIR. It grows back, I promise. I know that when I started this blog, I wrote about becoming a better me. Well, this is just one more step to becoming the woman I've always been destined to be. It's amazing what thinking for yourself can do for you. I think I'm only now discovering what a paralyzed life I've been attempting to live for my entire existence. I've always been so concerned with what others thought and what others thought I should do. To be honest, I think it's really selfish of myself to ask other people to live my life for me. If I go along with the choices that others make for me, I don't have to deal with the consequences, right? WRONG. That's so very wrong. My life is for living for myself.

So, what else is in the future?

1. Be a better vegetarian. I've made it to the 6 month mark! Now, I need to make more of an effort to buy fresh veggies and grains on a regular basis.

2. Natural hair! I've gone unprocessed for 3 months! The big chop will be soon...I'm thinking Sept?

3. Spend more time reflecting.

4. Continue to find joy in every day. It's there, but sometimes it's buried.

5. Become more active: physically, mentally, and spiritually.

#15

Love is active. It’s not just a feeling. We’re not moved by feelings people have for us. We’re moved by actions. The right actions. Actions that correspond to the rhythm of our hearts. That’s why we enter relationships even though we’ve been dumped on a thousand times. Because we know someone out there knows our rhythm. They make the beat, we dance, vice versa. It’s a beautiful harmony that only one other person really understands.

I'm a hopeless romantic, but that's ok. I whole-heartedly believe in true love. I believe in that movie-made love because it does happen. I see it in my friends marraiges. I see it in the relationships where love is more than a feeling. Love is a strong beat that only those two people can pick up on and know the dance to.

#14

"Just because you're imperfect does not mean you are inadequate."

I know I'm not perfect. However, sometimes I mistake my imperfections for inadequacy and what a shame. My imperfections make me unique and and interesting. They constantly remind me that there is always room for change and I have so much room to grow. I may not be right for this or that, but there are things that I was created to do, to complete.

I'm glad I was created imperfect. I don't know what would happen if the joy in the journey to completion was taken away from me.

#13

Sometimes life seems like it's falling to pieces all around you.

Sometimes you feel as if you can't breathe.

Sometimes you feel like it just couldn't get any worse than this.

But then, then you see God's love in the face of another person, in a fantastic smile, or you feel it in the warm embrace of a caring friend. Sometimes you might hear His voice in the hearty laugh of another, or the kind words of a friend.

And then, you suddenly have the energy to pick up the pieces, the room to breathe, and the courage to walk on.

And that is all you need to know you can great through it and live life, not let life live you.

#12

"I want magic. Yes, that's what I want. That's what I try to give to people. I do misrepresent things. I don't tell the truth. I tell what ought to be the truth. "

Lying. Goodness, I think we're all so very guilty of doing this. Not only do we lie to other people, but we lie to ourselves, and for what reason? To keep ourselves from facing what is reality. I do it. I don't know why it's so hard to give ourselves what is truthful. Everyone deserves truth. But why is it so frightening? What would happen if I accepted life for what it was? If I truly accepted people as they are? See, I think that I do this, but instead of seeing and accepting people as they are, I look at what they could be, and I love that aspect. It's as if what's real isn't good enough or, worse yet, that I can't handle it.

It's amazing to think of all the times I could, or should have said what I meant and I didn't because I didn't know what was going to happen. As a result, I think I've regretted every moment I should have said something to someone.

I want a day where I say exactly what I mean and mean what I say. I owe it to myself and to the rest of the world. My friends, you are too good to me, and I owe you the truth.

#11

Is it possible to learn so much about yourself and the world in two short days? I'm beginning to think that almost anything is possible now.

You know how I mentioned that my motto for the New Year was "New year, new me"? Well, I'm come to a recent conclusion about myself.

I've lived most of my life up until this point at the expense of others. I've been so afraid to do my own thing when I'm constantly telling my friends to "be themselves" or "follow thier instincts". I was actually a little angry at myself when I finally realised this, but I know that being angry does not change the situation and part of the act of change is being proactive. I've been so afraid of making mistakes that I've rarely made any decisions or choices of merit. This is not to say that I've existed as a mindless pod of a person, but the essential choices of my life have been influenced by the ideas and thoughts of others to the point of ridiculousness and almost a level of regret in some instances. So, I'm holding myself accountable from now on. It's my life and it's high time that I live it, right? It's honestly just not fair to ask others to live my life for me. Every one's got their own issues. The addition of mine doesn't make life easier for anyone.